Returning Home

Silvana Sarubbi / Travel agent / Asuncion, Paraguay

My name is Silvana and I started this meditation about a year and half ago. As I saw drastic changes in my father – even before I knew what this meditation was, I felt it was something I was always looking for.

Starting this meditation and as I let go of my fear and limitations, I started to feel lighter with other people and in my life. Before I felt something was lacking or inadequate. I always felt like a fish out of water and even when I was with my family and friends, I felt like a foreigner all the time. I couldn’t be close to anyone truly and I was having hard time with anxiety, inferiority, and sadness.

Something was inadequate and unstable. Of course with other people, I always wear armors and masks. I seemed strong, cool, and active, without any fear. But inside, I was the opposite.

But now, I am able to reflect objectively – I didn’t have any inadequacy – deficiency and inadequacy were all in my mind. I always sought more love, money, friends, success, and happiness. I continuously sought even when I achieved things – an endless list – nothing fulfilled me.

I started to seek things to fill my void. I read books on self-reflection; went to see a psychologist and also meditated. I learned all of theories and knowledge on how to become and happy. But I was in deep despair for some years, because no matter how I tried, I couldn’t improve to be more free or happy.

I knew I have to live in the present and only this moment existed. But I couldn’t be present when I was suffering due to my past and worried about my future.

But as I did this meditation, I found concepts, definitions, and even time were not important. It was only about discarding and throwing away. Following the method, I threw away the self that wanted to control my mental state, as well as all concepts, beliefs, and limitations. Then one day, I found I no longer had any fear and that I was comfortable not only with myself, but also family, friends and others.

I had all those knowledge about the Truth from books in only concepts – now I was able to actually feel and experience it. I no longer have any distracting thoughts related to my past memories or future. Inside my head, there are silence, quietness, and peace regardless of what is going on around me.

For the first time, I started to feel that no matter what happens it would be okay. I am learning to live through the flow of nature, just letting go as it is, enjoying life, and also being grateful. And I started to live not for me, but for others. I let go of my self-centeredness, which was my characteristic, and I am able to be without criticism or judgments. I am no longer haunted by my past, and my worries about my future have really decreased. I live only in the present and everything just flows.

Seems like I am returning to my true home! I thank everyone who are with me on my path to my home.